| Monday, September 21st, 2009 |
| 4:41 pm |
Fuck the bullshit. It's not perfect. Of course it's not. There's a massive age gap and there's a lot of adjusting and settling-in going on. But there are people who are drawn to negativity and drama and I do fear them poisoning her mind. People who know nothing of me or of what Grace and I's life together is really like. I hope she's able to see through it all... I hope she can stay focused on all the good instead of the things that go wrong. Her and I both fuck up, but it's for us to address as a couple and I really fear it being influenced by people who seem to think they may know all about Grace's life and who she is because they happen to read whatever she writes. I wish things could be kept more private. I dislike that she reveals god-knows-what to people that she doesn't know. I find it troubling, really. |
| Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 |
| 3:18 am |
She calls me up. 2 in the morning. I didn't sleep well last night. Have been exhausted all day. But it's fine. She wants to book her flight. But she's unsure about how to do it. Doesn't trust the website she's on. I try to look up some info on it, see what we're dealing with. She begins to insist that I just book it for her. I tell her that, no, I'll help her but she needs to be able to do this for herself. She's overwhelmed. Wants me to figure it out. I tell her it's just filling out the info. No matter. She asks why I hate her so much right now. No idea where that came from. After checking out some of the other sites, I advise her to check STA. She can't get the flight search to load properly. I advise her to ring the 800 number. "Thanks for your help" she snaps. What the fuck? She outright refuses to call. She wants me to do it. I question why she is making this such a big deal. Apparently I'm insensitive and an asshole. I tell her I'm trying to help but that she doesn't want to listen to me. She wants me to do it. I tell her I won't and that she needs to speak to them about the discount. She says she just won't come then. I say fine. Of course I'm then "being a dick". Click. I hang up. Had enough of being called names. Had enough of being treated like some servant. I'm not in this relationship to be treated this way. I don't know what right she thinks she has to behave like that to me. I've asked her time and again to not insult me, to not call me names, but to no avail. Is it that she doesn't care how hurtful that is? Or is that the point? Either way, there's no excuse, at all. I deserve better than that. There was no reason she had to take anything out on me. |
| Friday, July 24th, 2009 |
| 2:52 am |
How Quickly Things Can Turn Around
It's been an amazing week. On Tuesday I was lucky enough to win the Ten Club lottery draw to get a pair of tickets for Pearl Jam's gig at Shepherds Bush on 11 August. These tickets are like golddust and again I totally lucked out. Tonight, Grace got an email from the British consulate notifying her that her visa has been issued!! She should have everything back tomorrow. I'm so fucking happy and excited for all this. Grace and I have made a lot of progress the past few days and I feel so good about things right now... I feel a lot more secure in this relationship, I feel secure in knowing that she really does want this... I have been so overcome by fear the past month, it's so nice to feel free of that. It's just been a fantastic week. Grace could be here in a week's time!! I cannot put into words how happy this makes me. This is what we had hoped for from just about the start and now it's days away!! And we're in such a better place as a couple than we were just a few days ago... it's all just coming together wonderfully right now. The gig is on our 10 month anniversary and I cannot think of anything better... our first concert together is gonna be front row (I don't care how early I have to get there) at a small London Pearl Jam gig. She comes from a PJ loving family and she pretty much grew up on them. I feel like it's a dream coming true. I'm so so so happy. Damn. It's been a hard road, but if this is the pay-off, it's been so very worth it. I've had some difficulties sleeping over the past month due to anxiety and such... I wonder if I'll be able to get to sleep tonight. If I can't manage too well, at least it'll be down to this overwhelming excitement that's in me right now. So. Happy. |
| Tuesday, July 14th, 2009 |
| 10:34 pm |
Her love means so much to me. I wish she really knew how much. |
| Saturday, July 11th, 2009 |
| 9:58 pm |
It's sad that people only talk to you on the streets in London to either ask for money or a smoke. |
| Sunday, July 5th, 2009 |
| 2:27 pm |
Anger
I've been thinking a lot lately, about all kinds of things. Meanings of things, in a variety of ways. One thing that I've come to realise is that anger isn't truly an emotion. I think the only time I ever truly feel angry these days is when either myself or someone I care about is attacked by someone else. Otherwise, anger is just a mask that disguises the true emotions beneath. It's a defense mechanism to somehow cope with feelings of sadness, disappointment, self doubt, rejection, anguish, etc. I think I spent a lot of time in my teens and early 20s using anger to cope with the things that upset me in life. I'd like to think that I've more or less left that behind. I'd like to think that I'm more open to just allowing myself to feel those pained emotions without it transitining to anger. Now that's not to say I don't have my moments of frustration where anger momentarily flares up, but those moments don't last long. Anger is so counter-productive. It doesn't deal with the true emotions at hand and it can only make matters worse, which is why I really have no interest in even being angry. It serves no purpose in the day-to-day life. I'm much more interested in coming to terms with the world in which I exist in and finding some peace in that, regardless of how that word makes me feel. I am an emotional, complex person. There's a lot of things I may be, but angry isn't one of them. Not any longer. |
| Thursday, January 17th, 2008 |
| 8:18 am |
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| Sunday, January 13th, 2008 |
| 12:07 am |
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| Monday, December 17th, 2007 |
| 7:13 pm |
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| Friday, December 14th, 2007 |
| 2:15 am |
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| Wednesday, November 28th, 2007 |
| 1:16 am |
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| Saturday, November 10th, 2007 |
| 2:21 pm |
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| Friday, November 9th, 2007 |
| 3:07 am |
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| Sunday, November 4th, 2007 |
| 11:50 pm |
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| Thursday, October 25th, 2007 |
| 1:56 am |
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| Saturday, October 13th, 2007 |
| 2:52 pm |
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| Thursday, October 11th, 2007 |
| 1:24 am |
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| Wednesday, October 10th, 2007 |
| 2:14 am |
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| Monday, September 17th, 2007 |
| 8:40 pm |
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| 7:05 pm |
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jeffs_odyssey's journal
sleepy
